I Am John's Blog

What is Wrong With This Article's Headline?

2005-09-14T14:14:00.000-07:00

Why is she smiling? Beastiality is nothing to smirk at. Here is the link.

This Goes Out To All The Fans Of "The Office"

2005-09-08T15:14:00.000-07:00

I found these sites and figured I should share them with the rest of the world (by world I mean the one or two people who actually read this). The first one is this site that contains clips of a radio show in England starring the creators of "The Office". It is pretty funny. The other site has clips of Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant's new TV show in London called "The Extras". Looks like this one could also be a winner. Enjoy the fruits of my labor. P.S. This is an update on my last blog, which stated I found a hat that fits, well apparantly I lied . Size 8 is to small. I guess my eyes were bigger than my head.

Cinderella Story

2005-06-27T23:48:00.000-07:00

It was Saturday: 12:00 p.m. I woke up early because I was on a mission. The mission I chose to accept was to hunt down the first season of Macgyver, and buy it. Why you may ask, because it was on sale and well it's Macgyver. If done properly I could be sitting at home and enjoying the antics of Mac and Pete and the assignments given to them by the Phoenix Foundation. Simply put television gold. I made my way to Target with a smile on my face and a skip to my step, not realizing what was about to happen. I made my way to the DVD aisle tossing elbows and throwing knuckles to those in front of me for fear that anyone of them might grab the last copy of that sweet TV bullion. There it was, top shelf far right, the pile looked untouched. This surprised me because not only is Richard Dean Anderson spectacular in this series but it was produced by the one and only Henry Winkler (a.k.a. The Fonz). Well I guess it is their loss and my sweet almighty gain. After my triumph of finding this box full of coolness, I decided to strut through the store over my recent victory, subtly flashing the package to people walking by, answering their questions of my coolness (the answer being yes of course). It was then that I noticed the hat section; I always enjoy a good laugh so I decided to try on a couple of them. (For those of you who have not yet had the joy of meeting a Bruno, picture a pumpkin on top of a pole, that’s my brother, now picture that pole slightly overweight and that’s me). As a Bruno I am familiar to the prejudice towards the size of my head, I have gotten the usual,”Mommy look why is the planet Mars on top of that guy’s shoulders”, “that isn’t Mars honey, that’s Mercury.” So I was surprised at what I found hiding in the mix. Amongst all of the yammakahs there was one that caught my eye. On the bill it read size eight, I tried it on and it fit, snugly, but it fit. Was I dreaming? No, my day had finally come. BREAKING NEWS! THIS JUST IN! In a totally unrelated story to the one being told, a snowball has survived in the great depths of hell, the largest ice hockey game ever is taking place on the surface of the Pacific Ocean, and for the first time ever pigs all across the United States are FLYING to Antarctica, when asked why they were making the move one pig said, “It is just way to hot here, I am just ‘Bacon’”. After a long awkward silence that took place following that comment, everyone agreed that it was time for an impromptu BBQ, it was reported that ham had never tasted so good. And now back to your regularly scheduled story. I had just enough money for the DVD, so there was no way that I could get both. Needless to say Mac went back on the rack; I mean who knows when this will ever happen again: a ten dollar hat that fits. This, ladies and gentlemen, is my first step towards cranium normalcy.

Nerd Alert! Nerd Alert!

2005-05-23T14:04:00.000-07:00

Hello my name is John and I am a nerd. It started about a year ago when this weird liking to the game took place. I didn't realize how much I liked the game until I found myself leaving Blocbuster with this in hand. A documentary on the comptative scrabble circuit, which concludes with the nationals in San Diego. I can honestly say that this is the best Scrabble documentary I have ever seen in my entire life (needless to say it is also probably the only one ever made so that previous comment is not saying much). I did enjoy it though. It is the kind of movie that after seeing you feel better about yourself, not because it is a feel-good movie but because the people in it are so weird it is hard not to feel a bit happy inside. Let me give you a for instance, one of the top guys on the circuit is called G.I. Joel. Now if you are thinking that he served in the army back in the Nam days you would be completely wrong. The G.I. does not stand for government issued but for his (G)astro(I)ntestinal Reflux (disease). So when he plays a game he always has a bottle of Maalox and a cup for his G.I. His G.I. is also the reason that he cannot wear a belt because it causes him cramps or something, he can only wear suspenders. Come to think of it I am not sure if the reason that he cannot wear a belt is solely the fact that he has G.I. or it is his IBS, or maybe it is a combination of both, I am not sure. There is another guy in the documentary who seems like he knows almost every word in the dictionary, but when he is interviewed he always chooses to use the words consisting of only four letters. This guy is pretty entertaining to watch becuase he thinks he is cool becuase of his street cred. The other entertaing thing is that he also complains that the white man is bringing him down. All in all this was a rather enjoyable movie (documentary). Move over poker it is time for some high stakes Scrabble. Any one for a game of 5 and 5 (five dollars a game, five cents a point)?

Rosie O'Donnell at Her Comedic Best

2005-05-04T11:13:00.000-07:00

I know it has been a while since my last entry but I figured that this was definitely blog worthy. This goes out to that special someone. I have not seen this program, but lets be honest with ourselves, we are without a doubt better people for not watching this horrendous "show". It amazed me that the people at CBS were able to get away with a show such as this with the FCC and censors suing tv shows for anything and everthing. The thing that I don't get is that the FCC tries to stop great funny shows that are basically pretty innocent, but they allow Rosie O'Donnell and crew to make fun of people that are mentally challenged. It just doesn't make sense. I do not normally get offended by comedies but this took the cake, sure I was laughing my head off at the clips, but in retrospect I know I am a better person than that. Without further ado here is the monstosity.

First Annual Day of Poems (All Originals)

2005-04-12T20:17:00.000-07:00

Salt and Vinegar Chips; The Haiku Open the bag...smell See stars of tastey goodness Bag gone, grin appears Biographical Limerick There once was a guy named John Who would stuff himself with Bon-Bons He would laugh at defeat When there was none left to eat Because there was none left, they were gone ***************************************************************************** That's enough of the food poems for now. Remember to read "Ode to My Driver" *****************************************************************************

Words to Live By

2005-04-04T11:25:00.000-07:00

I would kill for a nobel peace prize. -Steven Wright

Ode To My Driver

2005-03-25T21:18:00.000-08:00

Oh, Driver, my Driver, how I adore thee But how thee sucketh when not hit properly I am amazed by your graphite shaft From top to bottom, fore and aft Your gripy grip lets me hold onto you Never letting go like gum on the bottom of a shoe Your precise trajectory amazes all around Your lousy aim makes those close by hit the ground We have been through a lot, my Driver and I I think I shall now eat a piece of pie

Three Cheers For John Hip, Hip......

2005-03-23T22:26:00.000-08:00

Well ladies and gentlemen, John has officially stepped foot into the 21st century with his very own blog site. (If your wondering why I speak in third person it is because a few days ago, it was declared to be the "cool thing to do" by the associated press and many influential celebrities). You are all ivited to my blog party, it will be held here every Friday at 8:00. There will be plenty of cookies to go around (all you computer guys will get that joke and if you laugh at it, I feel sorry for you). And so it begins.... p.s. there will not actually be a party or cookies but you are welcome to stop by anytime Until next time. p.p.s. I apologize for the stupid jokes but hey this is my first one, they can only get better. p.p.p.s. or so I hope.